Currently, I feel as if my life is full of problems. Feelings of fear, sadness, lack of belonging are all swirling around in me. Thoughts contradict themselves in my mind. I have nothing to be sad about. I am fat. My boys are healthy. I should feel happy. Odd memories of much unhappier times keep burping up.
At work, I have one friend with whom I seek her constant approval. She is intelligent and sassy. She’s strong and opinionated. I work hard to please her. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don’t. Through the various teachings I have read, I know this seeking causes suffering. A Course in Miracles teaches about “special relationships”. These are our external relationships that we believe will fulfill us in some way. I believe that these “special relationships” can help someone find a balance in their lives, but they become dangerous when they take the place of our own understanding. I am trying to make my friend’s approval mean something more than it can ever be. I feel if I get her approval I will feel better about myself. To be honest, she has given me her approval multiple times. It is never enough. It is never enough to fill the void. It feels good for a moment, but then vanishes.
“That is the transition from specialness to holiness: it is not trading one external form for another – this partner for that one, this diet for that one, this landscape for that one – but rather seeing beyond specificity altogether.”
This guilt and shame and seeking all come from the wound in me that needs to be healed. From the pain I feel right now, I think it is a large one. It oozes with thoughts of my dad screaming at me. It drips the spiteful words of my stepmother always telling me I am not good enough. My resentment and hatred of them spews out, too. Followed by my guilt for not appreciating what they had to give. This back and forth of pain and shame is exhausting. I breathe into it and through it. Writing this down as tiny words on a screen is helping.
Writing this has eased much of this suffering. Sharing this with what appears to be an empty void feels cathartic. The sun coming up over the trees by my back porch looks majestic suddenly. Tears are running down my face, but inside I feel lighter.
Thank you, reader, for being here with me while I shared this pain.