Many of my students always comment that they would hate to be my child. Some say they would love it. I can tell when there’s something wrong; I can tell when you’re lying; I can feel your emotions. They have nowhere to hide. I think that is both good and bad. My boys are both still young, but they have a mom who can feel when I’ve made them sad. I feel how even the slightest thing can truly break their little hearts. It helps me to tread lightly at times. I can feel when they are starting to get frustrated or annoyed and I can help them work through it before it becomes too much. I felt their little souls in my belly the entire time I was pregnant. It was amazing. I knew the minute I was pregnant, knowing even when the pregnancy test said no because it was too early for it to tell. I also felt their personalities while they were there.
I like to believe that when they get old enough to realize that I am an Empath(qualities that my five year old already exhibits) they will appreciate what their mom can do as opposed to hate it. I will try really hard not to embarrass them, but I’m a mom. Of course I will.
What I mean by “reading” people can best be described like peeling an onion. For those of you with young children, you will remember in Shrek when he says that he has layers. Donkey, his trusty side-kick, says, “Like an onion? Onions have layers.” When I read someone, I focus my energy on his/hers. I, literally, find his/her vibration and tune in on it. I know when I have something because I feel it in my chest. My brain reads it, but it doesn’t change it. It’s like the feeling hits my mouth before my brain. I know whatever I am feeling is the first layer. This is on the surface. It’s usually the feeling the person is feeling right at that moment or recently. I can “dig” around on that level and find out more. It helps me to ask questions because it helps to steer me. I feel emotions. I don’t always know why the person is feeling it. I can often tell who it’s directed at. Recently, I have started getting mini videos in my head. I am not a fan of these. They can be overwhleming. If I dig down, I can see what is at the core of people. Happy/content people feel light. They are warm. I like to be near people when they are happy. It’s like this warm penetrating light that toasts me from the inside. There are people who just radiate this light off of their inner being. Sounds strange, right? The funniest thing is that these people are so often not attractive on the outside, but I don’t see that. I do see it, but I don’t. There is a woman who swims at the pool on Saturday morning. She is an older woman with her flowery bathing suit, wrinkling skin, plastic swim cap. She radiates light. I don’t even need to read her. If I focus on her energy, her contentment hits me up my arm. That is another place I feel emotions. Through and up my left arm. Only my left. Weird, right?
Anxious people: Thoughts Will Follow
They caught my attention when they sat down. I could feel their newness. I knew immediately they were on a first date. It was when the guy said he needed to use the bathroom that I immediately felt the girl’s disinterest. She is waiting for a guy to contact her. She just meet him and slept with him and now she wants him to contact her. The guy returns and she turns on this perceptible charm. Why is she doing this? I wonder. She thinks he’s dorky, geeky. He’s trying way too hard. I want to tell him to stop and save his money. He thinks she’s cute. I feel it on him immediately. He thinks he has a shot. I feel that he is completely unaware of her disinterest. He has no idea that she is holding on to her phone waiting for her friend to text her back. I feel so bad for him. Sad.
It makes sense that I would marry the most staid man in the world. You have never met a calmer more emotion controlled person than my husband. His overall ability to push his feelings so far down into himself made him very attractive. I rarely have to deal with his emotions unless I dig. The downside is that he often feels like stone. I have to dig to even feel if he loves me and when that feeling wavers for even a moment-well, you can guess how that makes me feel. I try to understand his perspective. It must be so difficult to have someone in your life who can do this. In some ways it’s great. I am always understanding and an awesome listener. What Empath isn’t? I am infinitely fascinated by people because they really are quite attractive when you are looking at their souls. I also know exactly who he is and I love him so much for it. He has the most simple and beautiful soul I’ve ever seen. He has his difficult parts, the lumpy ones that make me want to scream, but he is an amazing person. He also puts up with me and all of this and that is unique.
Realizing I’m able to do something other people can’t do is difficult because first I needed to determine if I am crazy. That was really step one. I will begin by letting you know that there are people in my family who are crazy, so it was entirely possible that these things were musings in an unsettled mind.
I was actually convinced of my validity by others who explained that there is no way I could know that. My feelings were also part of what convinced me. They were so strong and clear. I remembered everyone I read. I could picture someone’s bedroom in my mind and describe it over and over again. I remembered that Joe was extremely anxious all of the time and felt really alone when he sat in his father’s recliner. They were like tiny memory tattoos that did not belong to me. I remember them like they are mine though. This is another way that I know that this is real. I just can’t make this much stuff up and remember it like this.
After realizing this is real and getting dozens and dozens of validations, I wanted to know what it was. I searched the Internet and found similar stories, but nothing exactly like this. Everyone seemed to be trying to stop it or block people out because it was difficult and painful. I am drawn to it. There are many aspects I do not like, but there is much that I do. I get frustrated by it, but I don’t want to block it out. It allows me to see the layers of humanity and for all its ugliness there is an intense purity. There seems to be a glut if people who can talk to the dead and tell the future-two things I am unable to do. I always joke that I have enough problems with the living and the past.
For those of you who are reading this and understand, please keep responding. It makes me feel so much less alone.
Loving an Empath is not an easy feat. I have an obvious advantage when it comes to making people fall in love with me. It may sound manipulative, but it never feels that way. I am just really good at being what people expect me to be or want me to be. I maneuver around another person’s emotions like a sparing partner would move in hand to hand combat or a waltz. I think the hardest thing for a person to understand is when I stop. In every relationship, we get to the point where we truly become ourselves. When I refrain from being what that person expects (because I am either disinterested or tired), a problem occurs. They suddenly do not know what is happening.
Please don’t think that I am going around creating these false personas to lure in inspecting victims until I grow bored. It is not like that at all. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for 17 years. It’s just something I know I can do. In romantic relationships, friendships, family bonds…all of these require emotional intelligence, and I always have the “upper hand.” I put this in quotes because I can feel emotions, see the soul of others, but I cannot and do not have the power to change or control what anyone is feeling. When I feel a person I love in intense pain, I want to wrap up the broken parts, I can’t. When I feel anger, I want to disarm it, but I’m usually paralyzed with fear. Other people’s anger is intense and ugly. I rarely feel anger. My empathic abilities make it a difficult thing to create or sustain. It’s hard to be pissed when you understand why someone is doing what they are doing.
Anyone else? Do you get what I’m saying? Are you even out there?
There are times when I feel blessed by this ability. In my soul, I know that some divine power was ok with allowing me to know the thoughts and feelings of others. He/she must have had the foresight to give some of us the ability to empathize to such an extent that compassion had to follow. This has allowed me to feel the unconditional love of my mother; the shining, sun beam love of my two children when I snuggle with them during our quiet time together. On the flip side (And who are we kidding? There is always a flip side) I am unable to be around certain people and certain places because if this. I feel if two people just had sex or an argument. They walk by and it is perceived by me. I feel when a little girl feels lonely and unloved, I have felt the terrible pangs of a troubled man on a bench. It can be way too much. I used to believe that it was my over active imagination. Surely it was my creativity and not reality that I was feeling. It wasn’t until my constant validations over and over again did I realize that I know. I know. It is a difficult and wonderful thing to realize. The dichotomy is astounding. A double-edged sword (No, I could not avoid the cliche), power and privilege, hurt and pain. I can never have one without the other soon following. The constant reminder from the omniscient one that this is the way of life. One can never have grace without cost.