After addressing love, I thought I would create the juxtaposition with hatred. First, I’ll address desire. The partner to love is often desire. Desire is a bubbly, surface emotion that has a very short shelf life. It is a quick hard-hitting emotion that often hits me in the stomach when I feel it on someone else. Desire, as another’s emotion, blindsided me. I often find my own thought forms in the mix. “Really? You are turned on by that?” When someone desires me, it is intoxicating. As a woman, I can feed into a man’s sexual desire for me. I have literally felt like what it feels like to desire myself. It’s pretty crazy. I have literally turned myself on. On the flip side, if a person is just not that into the moment, I can feel that too, and there is no going past it. My own ego will often get in the way and I halt the proceedings. Well, if You are just not that into me…but I digress.
Anger is the partner of hatred. Like love and desire, they do not have to go hand in hand, but the most powerful hatred is always backed by anger. Anger is fleeting and can blow up one moment and be completely cleared the next. Anger by itself is a weak emotion. When it is paired with a deep-seated hatred, it is toxic and destructive. Hatred is like love. I can feel it running through a person. It is a thick, dark strip. Unlike love that feels like solid light, hatred is dark. It darkens everything around it. It also grows roots and creates a permanent housing in the core of you. It will then use anger to feed itself. It does not even have to be anything that is joined to the original events or person that formed the hatred. It will feed on anything. Hatred feels unmovable and hard. It gets stronger and more entrenched with each angry, hurtful incident. It makes the person have this deluded sense of power and strength. It feels true to them, and my logical mind has to counter with the idea that it is just not true.
A woman in my department has a deep hatred for men that has been built and strengthened over many years. She uses anger to feed it constantly and she truly believes that this anger motivates her to do her best. She says she is motivated by anger to make positive changes in her life and it works for her. The energy created by this feels awful to an Empath and she is difficult to be around. The hatred feels like a mountain of stone that sits in the core of her. The anger buzzes around it like larger-than-life birds. These are the visual images I get when I am around her. She is so entrenched that even when I try to suggest letting go of her anger, she reacts and the birds collectively charge. “No,” she says. “It helps me. It makes me stronger.” But none of this is true. She believes it. It is not a lie for her.
Do not try and see how much hatred you have inside of you with your head. Place your attention to the core of you. You will feel it stop you. It will try and convince you that it must be there. It is a part of you, but this is not true. It only stops love. Love can replace it.
I can feel the love between two people. I can feel a mother’s love for her child. I can feel when someone is in love with me. I can feel when someone is not. It makes for a very complicated life. People are a series of layers, and I have to dig relatively deep for love. Crushes and even those sexual desires are easy to feel, but that true line of love that runs through a person takes a bit of focus on my part. If I have developed feelings for someone, I drive myself crazy checking up on him or her. I am elated when I feel something. I am depressed when I do not. The reality is that even the deepest love is not always accessible to the Empath. Sometimes it is buried so deeply in people that I can’t feel it. I really do believe that real love does not die because it would be like uprooting a solid oak from a person’s being.
So what happens when I am in love. Well, there is one man I am in love with and I could feel his soul through his chest. That is the only way I can describe it. I had such a connection with him, and if I put my hand on his chest, I felt light. How do you feel light, you ask? It feels like what a lightbulb looks like. In my hand I feel uncensored light and it flows through my hand and down my arm into the pit of my stomach. Strange, right? I could feel his love for me. I can still feel it even though we are not together. It is a long, painful story. Despite all of my abilities, I could not get a handle on that situation. I think there is a good chance it made it worse.
I am still not sure how it works or why it works, but when I focus on someone, I can feel through them. The energy creates layers, and I can push my thoughts through these layers and get visual images as well as emotions that surround them. I can see parents and relatives and relationships. I can feel these people through the person I am reading. Love forms a sold strip through a person. The deeper the strip runs, the more love the person feels. At least I think it is that way. I cannot always understand what I read off of a person. Something may not make any sense to me, but I voice it and it makes total sense to the people. Sometimes I see things and they just make no sense at all. Every time I look at my fried at work I see the word APPLIANCES in dark blue capital letters on a white background. I have no idea why. She has no idea why. When I looked at this one student in my class, I saw a little white puppy. I asked her if she had a little, white puppy, and she said no. For Christmas, her parents surprised her with a little, white puppy. Go figure. Is that validation or coincidence? I am not entirely sure. The only thing I do know is that I feel people. This is not something that can be disputed. I feel them everywhere.
I had my major awakening as an Empath two years ago. I was always able to feel how others felt to some degree, but it was two years ago when I started to see images and videos. I am also able to tell the future at times. I am not always right, and I feel like this is the Universe’s way of keeping me on my toes. I used to use this ability to manipulate others, not in a mean way, but in a way that would help me get through life. It made me really hyper-critical of myself. I have since found ways to temper this ability as it became stronger. I am trying to use it to help people move through different emotional stages.
Most people don’t know I am an Empath. When I tell them, they may or may not get it. I used to get so upset when I could feel that people did not believe me or wanted me to prove it in some way. I have also found that when I try to “prove” my abilities in any way, they will leave me in the lurch. My best readings are always when I least expect it. I will be sitting at my desk and I will feel the new relationship or the sudden break up. My least favorite question: What am I feeling right now? I am always surprised by this question because I think it’s really crazy that other people want ME to tell them how they are feeling. I always respond with the following: “Don’t you know what you are feeling? Why do I need to tell you?” But that is what people want.
The truth is that it makes me the best listener, and I like that I can be that for people because there is no better gift than your true attention when someone is telling you how he/she feels. The cool thing that I can do is that I can feel what you feel and then tell it back to you. It seems when I take someone else’s feeling and digest it for him, it makes easier for him to take. Or the person gets the chance to see that someone else understands the pain and hurt.
The other day one of my students wanted me to read his vibe. He is a quiet kid, but I am can feel an immense anger problem. This is not something he has ever shown in my classroom. I felt right away the emptiness of his home. I felt his loneliness because his mother was so busy and so sad. She felt like there was a weight on her shoulders. I could feel how much she did not like her job. I could see her in the kitchen.I felt how sad he was about his dad. I told him that I could see that he tried to have some quality time with his dad, but his dad disappointed him. I assumed that his dad rebuked his efforts. “No,” he answered. “We went to the movies.”
“Hmmm, then you were disappointed because it didn’t go as you had planned. Did he not seem to have a good time?”
My student nodded. He was so sad even at that moment. I wished that his dad could feel the hurt from his son the way that I did at that moment. Maybe he would not be so quick to hide in his study. My student is sixteen. One might believe that he does not need his parents attention and care, but this is not true. I tried to ease his hurt and explain that parents are just people and sometimes they make mistakes. He nodded.
I can’t seem to shake his sadness. Even as I write this, I can feel the weight of the loneliness in his home. The only thing I can do is hug my two boys and let them know I care.
So part of this Empath thing is being able to read people’s pictures and vibes even when they are not in front of me. As you may already know, I am dating again. Well, I am trying. I had a weird experience with a guy the other day. We were texting back and forth and I kept getting really strong vibes off of him. I wanted validation (because I am such a whore when it comes to being validated), so I told him that I am a really good guesser. I said that I could guess things about other people. He told me to try. I told him that he had a sister who he was very close with, but that she was not physically close. He said this was true and his sister lives in England. I told him he had only been in love once and that she broke his heart. He told me that was true, but she didn’t break his heart. The break up was mutual. The second part was a lie. I let it go. I told him that he loved his mom dearly and his father was a very quiet man whom he respected. I could see that he was physically taller than both of his parents. He validated all of these things. How do you know all of this? He asked. I told him that I can read minds. He said he liked that. Very unexpected. I have to be honest. I started to see too much. I started to see that he had a problem with jealousy. He sent me a picture and it was all down hill from there. He had a darkness to him. Nothing evil, just a sad darkness that I didn’t want to be involved with. He started texting me all of the time. I didn’t like it. He kept asking me what I was doing. I stopped responding.
I am not really sure how this is going to work. The good and bad news is that I don’t go by looks because of this ability. I can feel the nice guy beneath the picture, but then my mind gets involved. I want the cute guy who is physically attractive, but if I feel even the slightest weirdness, I don’t click on the picture. I think I just work much better when people are right in front of me. The other thing is that I want to use my abilities to manipulate the situation (see above experience). This is never going to help. I guess we will have to wait and see. How does an Empath date?! Continue reading
Yes, I am not lost. I say this with conviction and truly for the first time. As an Empath, I have often felt as if I am wandering. The emotions of others are sometimes more deeply felt than my own, so it causes me to lose focus. Anger from a colleague could derail me for an entire day, but that is starting to change. For those of you who are also sensitive or empathic, I am learning to stay in the present. It has been an important shift. The past and future are only thoughts. It is only now that exists, and I am startled to realize that I carry around other people’s emotions around all day. Because of this, I had to find another way. By remaining in the “now”, I put their emotions down much more quickly than I used to do. I am able still able to recall them at a moment’s notice as if I experienced it myself, but it is better.
I wander. I really do. I often feel like I lean more this way or that based on the feeling of a room or the vibe of a person, and this was extremely limiting. I have always envied the person who can push his/her energy into a room with total disregard for anyone else. The man who can make selfish, off-handed comments that interrupt intimate conversations and truly not know that he has just upset the vibe. I am always painfully aware. My perceptions change, not because I’ve noticed the tears in someone’s eyes, because I feel the anxiety or see an image of an angry outburst someone had with a spouse hours before. I then become more sensitive to the person’s needs, more aware of what I should or should not say, trapped in my own head. In the past, I would try and change myself. I would twist and turn my words and actions as if I were trying to shimmy through the eye of a needle. I feel less likely to try to control things these days. Because that’s all that was. I was using my empathic abilities to try and control situations and people. It’s exhausting.
Another reason I feel that I am wandering but not lost is I just recently went through a very amicable divorce. What other type of divorce can an active, loving empath have? It was my idea, my plan. I was not happy, and for many years, the idea of making him unhappy kept me from making any changes. Then one day, I woke up and realized that I was 36 and lost. It took all of my strength to end my relationship. It took every ounce of me to leave a man who needed me and wanted me because I felt in every fiber of my being that it was wrong. Now I am single again, and I am wondering how much my abilities are going to interfere with any budding relationships. Should I tell my dates? Will they just know? I am so used to calling my partner on his emotions. I just think this will be a little off-putting. I guess we will see…
So I have started meditating, and it is causing certain changes to my abilities. People’s feelings are passing through me, but these feelings are not able to leave their residue. I have been working on disconnecting from my own emotions through the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. It is even easier to disconnect from the feelings of others. I have become a passive observer as opposed to taking their feelings into the core of me.
I have started to feel that as an Empath it is my job to love people despite their temporal coverings. This task is made easier because of my ability to feel exactly what a person is going through, but it has also caused me to avoid people who are spiraling in their own pain. Other people’s anxiety can be so bad for me because the emotion is so strong and useless. It also feels very clingy. Anxiety seeps in and I cannot avoid it. I will feel it long after the person leaves me. That is how strong it is. This is an emotion that I am still struggling with despite the meditation.
I am also able to feel vibrations off of photographs. I had a great validating experience the other day. My friend was showing me pictures of her friends from a girls’ weekend away. I could feel the pain and sadness of the woman in the photo. I could feel her struggles with drug addiction. I did not know I could do this, and I think the meditation is helping my ability to read others.
Again, I believe that this is a gift from the Universe, and I hope to continue to “read” people and help them heal.