One of the worst parts about being an Empath is the ability to tell how others feel about me. My brain always tries to make me believe that maybe this is the one time when I am wrong about how someone feels. This is when I say to myself, “Self, maybe you just don’t know this time,” and then something happens that shows that I am right or nothing happens and I spend the rest of the day wondering what the heck that was about. The reality is that I am human and extremely fallible, and I may be wrong countless times when I try to interpret a vision or when I give a reason for the emotion, but I am never wrong about the feeling itself. Hate is hate no matter who is feeling it. Guilt is slimy and giggling happiness is like champagne bubbles. It all feels the same on everyone, so when someone doesn’t like me, I know that too. It is difficult to stay silent and not ask why. It distracts me as I talk. It makes the conversation cumbersome as my mind reels with the whys and the urge to dig for the possible reason why. Sometimes I think I find it, and then my mind starts to move even more quickly. I start to try and change this person’s view of me, and sometimes it works and sometimes it just doesn’t, but by then I have lost an inordinate amount of time trying to be something I am not.
A disturbing thing happened to me the other day. I was talking to a colleague and she lied to me. She is a really good friend, so it hurt my feelings that she would lie to me about something so simple, but her guilt over the lie was solid. I also felt her restraint in telling me because she didn’t trust me. I didn’t want to believe it was a lie at all, so I told myself that I was just being too sensitive until someone else in the department told me the truth later. She didn’t even know that was she was telling me exposed my friend’s lie. Sometimes I hate when I am right. It only reaffirms every other time I wonder if I am right or not. I didn’t tell her that I knew that she lied, but now I know that all of the other times when I thought she lied to me were probably true too. I just didn’t want to believe it.
I also feel when people think that I lying. I have recently given up lying because of my empathic developments. I see what lies look like and feel like on people, and I don’t want that dampening my light. Hiding yourself and the truth darken the light that I see as it emanates through the temporal form. So I gave up lying, which was much easier and more empowering than I thought it would be, but people are always so distrustful. It used to make me crazy and I would try and figure out what I could say to make them feel differently, but I realize now that people are going to feel however they feel. That is something everyone says, but it really is true. I realize now that feelings are so fleeting. I can feel a person’s annoyance over something I’ve said or done one minute and their adoration for something I’ve said or done the next day. In some ways that’s comforting. I just have to rest my mind in the fact that people don’t realize that I can do this and even when they do, they can’t control their emotions. People are also entitled to their feelings about anything and everything. It is not their fault that I feel the energy that is created by them.
Every time I think about this it makes me nervous to enter the dating world. I was married when this really started to form into what I am capable of now, so I don’t know how I am going to explain to someone that I can feel his emotions. Many adults get really strange when they find out and realize that I can do this. It is a strange mixture of liking the level of understanding and comfort I can provide and fear that I can tell things about them that they don’t want anyone to know. Since both of these things are very true for me, I am not sure how this is going to translate with a romantic relationship. I guess as long as the latter does not outweigh the other it will all work out.