So…I am still single. I have nothing new to post in that respect. I don’t know why I thought that my being single would send out some type of beacon like force and my true love would come out of nowhere with an “as you wish.” Here is the funny part. Okay, it’s not a laugh riot, but I have never been single. My ex and I were married for eleven years, and I can still feel every gut wrenching moment as he tries to work through our divorce. Fun, right? Before my relationship with him, I dated the random high school and college guys. There were not many I cared a lot about, but they were there.
So what do I do? “You had love in your hands, and you gave it up.” Yes, this is true. My ex still loves me. I could see it, feel it in his teary blue eyes yesterday. He loves me, but I don’t love him back. See poem below:
Maybe we’re getting divorced because you put the stick of butter in front of the coffee dish instead of in it.
Maybe we’re getting divorced because I always vacuum and you just can’t see it.
Maybe we’re getting divorced because I make more money than you and you stayed home to raise our boys.
Or the long commute or the fact that you snore when you sleep and the way my voice goes up an octave when I am really upset…Or the affairs and lies (yours, mine, ours) or the time you screamed that you hated me, you really hated me
There are a lot of relationships that survive more than this, you said. You weren’t specific and one of the faceless therapists nodded.
They don’t get divorced, you said. And “divorced” sounded poisonous and wrong.
You are right. I can’t disagree.
I nod but in my heart my reasons are enough.
They all add up and congeal into one concise document with all of the wording just right. All of the blame left out of the margins as the neat sentences cover up all of the pieces that read between the lines.
You bend over to sign.
The pen smudges and curves and it no longer matters.
The end remains the same.
Where does love go? That glue that keeps a couple from coming apart…I know I had it once. I remembering feeling so in love with my ex, and I also remember the time I looked at him and thought, “I don’t love you anymore.”
So now I am on this bizarre crusade (putting the Holy Grail aside), and I am looking for someone for whom I feel…well, everything.
My mom looked at me the other day, and she said that it didn’t matter what I did. Relationships are hard and I probably won’t find it. “Men are just men,” she said. And I get that. I truly believe that men should be men, but I feel love around me all of the time, and I feel the love that women and men have for each other and this love spans years, decades, and I want that feeling. I want to look at the person I am with and be inspired, not every day, but sometimes. I want to be with someone I respect and when he looks at me with love in his eyes, I want to look back at him the same way.
Now my bags are packed. I have done everything necessary for the journey to start, but I can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other. I have been asked on two dates and cancelled both before they could even happen. There is a strange line that is dividing me. What if that type of love is over for me? What if I had one chance to figure out the “true love” thing and I messed it up? What if my ideas of love are just too romanticized, and I will end my search empty handed?
I think even if the answer is “yes,” I will not regret this decision. There is a place deep in my soul that knows that my choice to leave my marriage was the right one. My good friend once said, “Be careful jumping over a fence when you don’t know what is on the other side.” Well, I jumped. I just haven’t landed yet.