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Guilt and Today’s Run

I  I decided to go running without music.  This is a big deal.  I use music during my long runs to keep me sane and to keep me going, but I tried to be brave.  I was worried that I wouldn’t have enough to occupy this busy mind for the duration of the run.

I love way the world feels when I run, but I also like to just block things out sometimes.  Being an Empath means that I get hit with a lot of stuff that just isn’t mine, which can be really difficult.  When I run, I can really feel the vibrations of the earth under my feet and the things that fill the space.  In my mind, the world around me always has a hum, and as I run, my body seems to find that vibration and it falls in with it.  It’s almost like the earth is one large block of energy, and the trees and birds and plants are tiny off shoots of that same energy.  When I read the energy of these things around me, I am always amazed by the lack of all emotion.  There is life, but it is calm.  Well, unless it’s a bird or some insects. Then the energy feels like tiny flipping blips. Yes, that is the best way I can describe it.  People, on the other hand, have this same energy, but it is interrupted by thoughts and feelings.  

So I am running and trying to keep myself centered without my music for longer than just a few miles.  It is easy at first.  I hear the birds. I feel the sunshine.  My mind is enjoying these distractions.  It was around mile three that it starts to fall apart.  It was all because I pass by this family.  It is a man pushing a stroller and his wife follows behind.  The baby couldn’t be any older than two.  The wife is unhappy. The wife is so unhappy and she has guilt.  I don’t know over what exactly, but I never like the way guilt feels, and it covers people like a thick cloth, and it makes my stomach hurt.  Her feelings are so dark and strong that I am completely overcome.  My run long is over.  I actually stop and begin to walk home.  I intermittently stop and start, angry with myself.  I don’t usually let other people’s emotions take hold so completely.  Even now I sit here thinking about the woman with the dark brown hair and the heavy soul.  If I focus more I might be able to disentangle why, but to what end?  I can’t validate or even question to help discern her pain.

I will run again tomorrow to make up for the lost miles today.  This time I will plug up my ears and listen to Pink on Pandora.  Nothing better than some ass-kicking girl singing about said ass-kicking.  I will focus on strong women who made a difference like Betsy Ross or Deborah Sampson. 

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