This was my thought as I went on my run this morning. The weather is a bit warmer lately, and the amount of cookies I’ve ingested over the last few days have left me feeling like a run was needed and warranted. Why are we always so surprised by these contradictions in the people around us when we see it constantly in so many famous characters? We love a good bad guy who also shows his sensitive side at just the right moment. I revel in the good girl character who suddenly loses her mind and does the craziest thing at the worst time possible, but when it comes to the characters in my life, I just want them to always be the same. I don’t enjoy the frustration at watching my younger brother slide back into drugs with his new girlfriend. My mind reels as my stepmom brings over home-baked pizza and then proceeds to act like my own mom leaving me when I was six was no big deal.
My true and honest reaction is that I must learn to be more accepting. Months ago I came to the undeniable truth that love is what must be, but it is difficult to love those who house such glaring contradictions. But that is the rub, is it not? If I am going to walk the talk of love, I must love those who often feel unlovable and accept those contradictions as a part of who they are. During this journey, some of these feelings have happened easily and without much effort. Jealously was an emotion that seemed to float away of its own volition. There was a time when it would course through me with a quickness and vengeance. I bathed in and floated in its green waters on my back, enjoying the bitterness it brought with it. Twisted, but all very true for me. Now it seems as this is all but gone. I do not harbor jealously any longer. It was not even something I think about or even ward off. It’s just gone. Resentment is still here. I can feel it and must step back at times and welcome it, knowing that my ego loves to produce a good bit of resentment sometimes. It centers mostly around my childhood. I was once a victim, but I am trying to drop that baggage. Much has been lost, but there is still some here.
In the end, I know that I am a series of contradictions also. My personality wears many coats at times, despite my recent awakening. As a continue forward, these are things I think about and remember.