Yesterday I sat on a park bench on a beautiful beach in Cape May, New Jersey engaged in a phone therapy session with my meditation teacher. I often seek her guidance when I cannot wade through my own personal mind fields. She is always extremely helpful, and that morning was no exception. I am still reeling from my previous relationship, not sure how I am going to finally move on or continue to hope for something more. Everything was going extremely well until she asked me what I am passionate about.
“Wait, what?” The question threw me. I was silent after she explained that I should dig deep and find the things that light me up and help me to feel happy and fulfilled. My only answer burped to the surface of my mind: romantic relationships. I instantly felt ashamed as I described that the push and pull of men and relationships have been my main focus outside of my two children, my job, and my own health.
“You need to go deeper during your meditations,” she said. “You enjoy writing. Is that a passion for you?”
“Yes,” I answered excitedly. “Yes, I do love writing.”
“How often do you write?” She asked.
“I have just started making myself write fifteen minutes a day. I read somewhere if you do something that way for forty days you can make it a habit,” I answered proudly. She laughed.
“That’s not very much time to develop your craft, Kelly,” she responded. “If I only painted for fifteen minutes a day I would never accomplish anything. Perhaps you are not passionate about writing. So would you say you spent more time obsessing over your previous relationship than you’ve spent thinking about writing?”
So now, hours later, I am contemplating my passions. I have sat in silence this morning and each time my mind wanders back to relationships and love. Could I be passionate about finding out about love? I do love to write despite the fact that I am only doing it for a few minutes a day. I love reading and learning about the stories of people around me. I also love cooking and traveling, but all of these passions take time and energy and as a full-time working, single mom who really just wants a beautiful, loving, partnership where does one find the time?
In addition to finding my passions, she also put my in charge of individuating myself and finding my soul path. She insisted that true contentment can only exist in me and it cannot be found in others. It is a message that has been repeated time and time again. I don’t know why it is so hard to hear. It seems too easy and too hard all at the same time.
If all journeys begin with a first step, I guess I am making mine. I will work on staying present because true power is only in this moment. I am asking the Divine to show me the way to my soul path because I think I am a bit out of alignment. I am going to find joy in this minute instead of chewing on past decisions and plausible future scenarios. This is a start.