This morning I woke up with enough fear and anxiety to choke a horse. I went to my mat to process it and try and accept and release the pain from my clenching stomach, but it was hard and sad. It caused me to wonder about the nature of a pain so great that it causes me to rise from my bed in the early morning hours to start and try and meditate my way back to a grounded state. Is this truly necessary? Can one body contain this much angst? Can’t I just be happy all of the time?
This leads me to today’s blog and the above quote which is from a book by Deepak Chopra. It is called The Way of the Wizard, and it is really good. Chopra takes the reader through twenty spiritual lessons by creating tiny vignettes between Merlin and a young King Arthur. As Merlin teaches Arthur, he also shows us the way of the Wizard.
Lesson 14 contains the above quote and also a short story about Arthur finally realizing that there is death in in the world. It is here where I moved very deeply into understanding the idea of gain and loss. On a cognitive level I understand that there is a balance between what is acquired and what passes away, but I still seek to hold onto things that might be far out of season. It is easy for me to understand that a peach may be past its ripening and toss it into the composite pit, happy with the idea that it will continue its journey there, but I am not so happy about it when it becomes more personal. I cry when I get to the end of a really fantastic book. I dread the deaths of people close to me. I grasp at relationships with people that are far past their prime. Merlin attributes these feelings and grasping to man’s ego, and that it is not until we “die to every moment” that we can truly get to the “gate of unending life”.
My favorite part of the lesson is when he talks about seeds of opportunity in the leftovers of our perceived disaster, like the beautiful Phoenix rising from the ashes. How many times have I just walked away from the ashes and assumed nothing good could come from them? Merlin says it best, “Pain isn’t the truth. It’s what mortals go through to find the truth.”
Again as I sit on my mat and the words TRUST, TRUST, TRUST whisper gently through the whirring of the fan blades above my head, I realize that trust and truth come in stages. That these early morning risings to process heartache and pain are necessary to begin the processes of sifting through the ashes to find my seeds of light. There are possibilities in me as there are in all of us, and when these possibilities are given light and the patience to grow, then it will be as it should be. I can no more force a relationship than I can force a seed to become a tree. I just need to rest in the knowledge that in every seed there is a chance for rebirth and life.
TRUST. TRUST. TRUST