“Closer I am to Fine”

“I’m trying to tell you something ’bout my life/ maybe give me inside between black and white”– Indigo Girls

I feel like my friend is trying to communicate with me. After three days of grieving and asking for some type of sign, little things are starting to seep through.  I say seep through because I feel that any contact with the spirit realm is like getting messages under water. Some are clearer than others.

First, people keep mentioning Gettysburg College, which is the college my friend attend and where I visited many times.

Next, last night my fiance started playing 90s grunge music while making dinner, and one of her feature songs on one of her many mix tapes for me (Rage Against the Machine- “Killing in the Name”) was blaring from the speaker.

But the one that really took me by surprise was when we were watching television and a new episode of Schooled came on.  This is a show that takes place during the 90s.  It follows a female title character who teaches in the high school she attended as a student.  There is a hyper-focused gym teacher who reminds me of my fiance. He is completely sports oriented and driven, also like my guy.  This gym teacher is in love with a woman who is not really interested or involved in sports. Again, this mirrors our relationship. The gym teacher struggles to understand and still connect with the love of his life, and so he agrees to go to Lilith Fair. This was a concert that my friend and I attended in the 90s.  As we were watching my heart started to race.  When the entire show then revolved around a song by the Indigo Girls (“Closer to Fine”), my eyes filled with tears. How many times did we sing this song?  How many times did we put our arms around each other and recite each line word for word?  How many mix tapes featured this one song?

“Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable and lightness has a call that’s hard to hear/ And I am wrap my fear around me like a blanket/ I sailed my ship safety until I sank it/ I am crawling on your shore…”

Here is my message. I hope it is one of many to follow.

“There’s more than one answer to these questions/ Pointing me in a crooked line/ And the less I seek my source for some definitive/ The closer I am to fine, yeah/ The closer I am to fine, yeah…”


Love and Light, Everyone