Finding Balance

Today feels like I’m riding an unpredictable wave of emotion. I woke up today unbalanced.

When I’ve lost my grounding, I feel the signs quickly.

I warn my family. I sit them down and tell them that I feel my imbalance, I am doing my best to steer through it, and I ask for their patience and understanding. I assure them crying and bursts of anger will happen. I warn them that I currently dislike everything about myself and everything around me. I let them know I am fully aware that these emotions are both fleeting and my issue. I kiss them and wish them the best of luck. I’m really pulling for them.

To find balance today, I’ve tried to find times of silence. It is important to turn off all external noise and find a place to just be. I sit in our office, which does not have a door, and I place my mat on the floor. I start my meditation practice. I like our office space. There is a large window and my plants hang down from the plant stand that hangs in front of it.

Within minutes, our little cat Oscar jumps in my lap. He leaps from my lap onto Tom’s enclosure and begins to swat at him as he chews his greens. I stand up and toss him away. He returns quickly. I grab my mat and head towards my bedroom. The bedroom has a door.

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I sit my mat on the floor and start my practice again. I place my hands on my knees and I straighten my posture. I feel the warmth of my practice starting to settle in when there is a knock on the door.

“Mom,” my youngest whispers. I don’t answer. I pray he takes the hint. “Mom?” He whispers, louder. I continue to ignore him, but I know I am running on borrowed time. “Mom?” His voice is no longer a whisper and he has entered the room. He sees me. “Mom?” I close my eyes.

“I’m meditating,” I answer.

“Oh, yeah, I’m sorry,” but he doesn’t leave. He just stands there and stares at me.

“What, J?” I ask.

“Uh, are we going to the pool today?” I open one eye.

“Jonah Emerson, can I have ten minutes of my life, please? Ten minutes? That’s all I need.” He nodded and was apologetic.

“Sorry, Mom. I love you,” he answers. He clearly feels bad, and this causes me to feel guilty for trying to escape from him.

‘I love you, too, baby,” I answer.

“So, Mom,” he started again.

“J!” I said. He nods and waves and leaves the room. Now I am irritated, guilty, and completely disjointed. I run my hand through my hair and start again, but my mind is wandering.

Are we going to the pool today?

Why does he want to go to the pool?

He never wants to go the pool.

I thought it was supposed to rain today.

What time is it?

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I am about to enter into all of my thoughts about the start of school when there is a knock at my door again. It’s my BF and he is holding the phone.

“Kell, it’s Keillor. She says it’s important,” he waves the phone in his hand with a smile. I sigh and get up and grab my phone from his hand.

“Hey, Keillor,” I say into the phone. “What’s up?”

“Ugh,” she begins. “Have you had a chance to do that Google form for the ninth grade before next week.

“No,” I start and I head back to my office annoyed at my lack of progress. “No, I am waiting for Kim to finish the first ten questions.”

And there it is…

Finding balance is always much harder than it looks. I am just going to have to try again in a few hours.

Love and Light and here’s to hoping you can find balance today!

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