“Loving what is” is not mine. It is from Pema Chodron, but I like it all the same. She teaches us to accept those parts of ourselves that we struggle with. She tells us to take ourselves just as we are.
This is so difficult for me. Perhaps it is difficult because we live in a society that tells us we can always be better. Perhaps it is difficult because I grew up in a house that told me I was never good enough. Perhaps it is difficult because sometimes I feel like there is a tremendous hole deep in my guts that can only be filled if I perfect myself and someone loves me. My meditation teacher constantly reminds me…”Kelly,” she says gently. “There is no hole. You are already whole. W-h-o-l-e.” When she says this in her calm, reassuring voice, I always relax. I feel that part of me disengage and for a moment I feel free.
Pema Chodron tells us that meditation practice is not about throwing ourselves away to become something better, but I think I often treat it that way because I want to outrun the pain I feel or the anxiety that wakes me up in the morning. I have sat with my “white, hot loneliness” once and again and again. I have felt it dissolve. I have felt it reemerge hours later. I have wished for it to just go away forever. I have wished for the man who could take it away forever. Neither of these things can happen.
So am I am back to hearing the words “Loving what is” and I am dedicated to sitting on my mat so that I can love myself exactly as I am. Love my insecurities, jealously, vulnerability, feelings of unworthiness, pain, loneliness, boredom…the list feels untouchable, but yet, I continue. These words feel ugly to me and unwanted. Allowing them for even one moment to exist in me or through me sounds insane. My inner child who was abused and hurt wants to scream that no one will ever love those parts of me, and then I hear a voice. “Yes,” it says. “You already are.”
Trust. Trust. Trust