Abuse and the Empath

loveWhen I was child, I was abused by my father. When I did anything wrong, I was beaten with either a hand or belt. I was most scared of the thinner belts.  They hurt the most.  My father has a “funny” story that he used to tell when we would be sitting around the dinner table.  It went something like this…

I was four or five and I had wandered around the block.  This was wrong. I was not allowed to go past the house with the big white pillars and the small porch.  This was a rule, but I had broken it.  Perhaps I was chasing a butterfly, maybe I just wanted to openly defy the rule. I don’t remember why I broke this rule; I just remember that I did.  As a cycled back around the corner, I saw my father’s angry eyes.  His mouth was twisted and I knew that he was furious.  I knew that I was caught.

“Don’t beat me, Daddy,” I cried as I put my hands across my behind to try and save myself from a subsequent beating.  My father’s face changed as he glanced at the few neighbors who were watering their gardens are putting out their potted plants.  He smiled and bent to the ground, supporting himself on one knee.

“It’s ok, baby,” he said soothingly.  “I am not going to hurt you.” I smiled and ran into his arms.  He hugged me as he carried me into the house.  I buried my tear-stained face into his neck and sighed.  I did not notice that we were walking back towards the house.

And this is the part my father always thought was most amusing, the part that he would chuckle while saying,

“So here she thinks she got me,” he would continue.  “She thought she could manipulate me and embarrass me in front of the neighbors, but I showed her.  When I got her inside, I spanked her so hard she didn’t even know what hit her, and I made sure she really knew I was serious because I really laid into her.  She never did that again.”

And I didn’t do that again…throughout my life, I don’t think I ever did that again.  How terribly did that scar me?

I find it difficult to trust men.

I believe all men lie to me or are going to hurt me if I give them an ounce of trust.

I fear men and the things they are capable of doing to me.

How does a person have an intimate relationship with a person of the opposite gender when this is just one “story” in a vast sea of abuse?

How long will it take me to walk away from these stories to find myself in the rubble of a broken childhood, a broken marriage, a broken life?

I know that dwelling on this past and sitting in these stories detract me from the present moment and feed my victim story, so I am trying to relinquish them to a time that is no longer here, but I do feel a sense of loss when I think about letting this story go.  I do feel like this story shaped me, but at the same time I also feel like it is keeping me small.  It is keeping me from freedom.

I am not that five year old girl holding her butt in front of her angry father.  There are no large men lurking in the distance waiting to beat me for my wrongdoings, but I still act as if I am.

How do I let go?  By writing it here in this sacred space?  Maybe by telling the truth about my past, I can let each story go with a touch of the “publish” button, shedding each layer of skin one story at a time.

And perhaps I need to be reminded of the following:

“You have to be larger than thought to realize that however you interpret “your life” or someone else’s life or behavior, however you judge any situation, it is no more than a viewpoint, one of many total perspectives.” – Eckhart Tolle

Love and the Empath: Why Would Anyone Want to Date You?

Image result for picture of flowers

I am starting to wonder.  The other day I was talking to a colleague about dating and she said, “Why would someone want to date you?”.  She wasn’t referring directly to me.  She was citing a radio personality who was telling a story about a young lady in the dating world.  The young woman was complaining about the shortage of men or the quality of men, and her mother questioned her.  Her mother asked, “Well, why would any guy want to date you?”.

This question has haunted me since the asking.  Why would any guy want to date me?  I divorced my husband because I was unhappy.  I have tentatively entered the dating world only to find it tumultuous and sad, and my self-esteem has been struggling ever since, and now I am pondering this question.

Part of me is angry.  I have spent a large portion of the last three years trying to pick myself up.  I have struggled with my self-esteem.  I have constantly questioned my self-worth, and now I ignorantly believed that finding the right guy rested solely on there being a “good, right guy.”  Here I have an entirely different ball of wax to consider.  Perhaps I won’t be good enough for this right guy.  It feels too good to my ego.  It feels to good to that little voice inside my head.  “Yes, that’s right,” it says.  “Who do you think you are?”  This makes me question its validity.  This makes me want to fight against it, but…

I am struggling not to get any lower.  I felt for just a few minutes like I was rising up.  Now I am just not so sure.

“Why would anyone want to date me?”

Understanding Your Anxiety-Perspective from an Empath

The first emotion I can feel in any person is anxiety. This is like a fog or smokiness that permeates and clouds almost every other emotion. Anxiety does not thread through a person unless he/she is just an anxious person. Anxiety in others makes my stomach clench and the hairs on my arms stand up. Sometimes I can link it to a bigger issue, but I often get caught in the fog of anxiety and that is all I can see. Anxiety is a weak emotion, but if the person gives it importance, then nothing else matters. This makes me believe that anxiety is one of those things that can be controlled or it can get very out if control. It is not a concrete emotion like love or hatred. It’s a wispy giant that people give entirely too much power. Unlike other emotions, anxiety only has power when it is able to grow and create a fog around your soul. Love, on the other hand, has power even when it is small and seems inconsequential. Hatred/resentment also plants as a tiny seed and grows with unbelievable tentacles and arms.
Think about the anxiety you have in your mind and try and banish it away. It is an easy task, though the greater the anxiety, the more difficult this may seem, but it can be done. It is not strong. You need to understand that. Your light is stronger than the mist created by your worries. Banish it away and your perception will change.