Question of the Day: “What do I learn when someone lies to me?”

Lying. By definition lying is stating a falsity. By connotation, lying is seen as wrong, malevolent. The art of knowingly deceiving others is frowned upon by society. But what does it mean when someone lies to you? Is it even about you at all?

My son Cole stood in our living room and held out a crumpled ten dollar bill. His posture was off. He was visibly nervous.

“Mom, can you add this money to my Greenlight account?” His Greenlight account is an online debit card. I feed it with money from his weekly allowances or birthdays as well as other special occasions, and he chooses to put it in his “savings” or his “spending.” It’s his money and his responsibility, but he must request my permission to spend it. Today he received $10 from his Nonna for a job well done, and he wanted the cold hard cash to translate into his virtual account.

“Sure, Buddy, but what are you going to do with it?” He looked at me and his words were tentative and nervous.

“Oh, I just want to buy a Lego set,” he answered.

“Really?” I asked. I asked because he had not really played with Legos lately, but his addiction to Fortnite was out of control. He knew I would not be happy if this were the case, and either way, I knew he was lying. He nodded his head.

“Uh, huh,” this was my verbal cue that I knew something was amiss. His nervousness deepened. “So which Lego set are you getting for $10?”

“The Batman versus Superman one,” he said, trying to sure-up his answer. Brian, my significant other, raised an eyebrow. He was partially listening, but now he wanted to weigh in.

“I don’t think there is a Batman versus Superman one,” Brian answered.

Cole shook his head, “Maybe it isn’t that one, but I know it cost $10.”

“Really? $10? I don’t know of many that only cost that. Are you telling me the truth?”

“Yeah, Mom, I just want this set,” he answered.

“For $10?” I asked again. “Think about what you are saying right now, Cole. Are you telling me the truth? You’ve been playing Fortnite, and this was what you you were doing before. Is this money going to buy something on that?” He shook his head again, but his eyes betrayed him, or maybe I am just connected to him I could feel the lie starting to break away. “Are you sure because you don’t need to lie to me? I am not angry. I just want the truth.” He paused and looked at me then he looked at Brian.

“I was going to use it to buy another skin on Fortnite,” he said as his head hung limply. He looked defeated and deflated.

“You don’t need to lie to me, Buddy,” I responded. “It’s never the right thing.” He nodded and continued to try and explain why he lied. He wanted it so badly. He knew I would never agree to let him if I knew it was for Fortnite. He didn’t want to lie, but it seemed like the only way.

“It always does,” I responded. “But lying isn’t about me. Lying is about you. You want to control what the outcome is, so you lied to make it work the way you wanted it to with no regard for me at all.” he nodded. “Now I feel bad and lied to, and you feel bad and full of guilt. Does that feel better or worse than not getting something you wanted?”

“It feels worse,” he responded.

“Yep,” I answered. “It always will. Even if you got what you wanted by lying, it still wouldn’t feel great. It might for a moment at the beginning, but now you’ve taught yourself that lying is a way to get what you want. This is a tough path, and it is paved with the possibility that someone will see through your lie, and they won’t like what they see.”

“I know,” he answered. We had this talk before. We have walked through this conversation so many times. He doesn’t seem to be learning the lesson. I worry for a moment that if I were yelling and screaming I might be more effective. I push away the desire to shame the lies out of him or scare him straight with extreme consequences if he were to get caught lying again.

In the end, I chose a different way.

“Cole, I love you, and lying is never the right answer. It may feel like the only way at times, but that is untrue. It takes courage to be truthful and honest. I have told my fair share of lies and truths, and it was always the truth that took me farther and in a better direction. The lies only fed a false part of myself, and it was a part I was never proud of. At the end of the day, you will always be proud of the truths you’ve told, and being able to be proud of yourself is a gift.”

Again, my son nodded and he even texted me later to tell me how sorry he was about lying to me. He promised it wouldn’t happen again. I texted him back about how much I love him and how much I believe he was going to work on it.

I don’t know if he will or will not lie to me again, but I know it won’t be about me. I won’t need to be angry and hurt or try and shame him into telling the truth. I would rather love him to the truth because that feels more real to me than the other way.

Love and Light